CHAPTER FOUR

“Uh…guys…” I say. “This is gonna suck…”

“On our way, Corn.” Xavier says dramatically into his microphone. “Calvary is a comin’.”

“Shit. Get here fast.” Requests, Bob through his microphone. “I count ten.”

“What the fuck?” I say into mine. “You’ve been here the whole time?”

Bob replies. “Yup, brother. Just stealthed.”

Fucking rogues. At least, Bob, this rogue is on my side.

“Hmmm. I guess they really want the Mines.” Says, Rick. “Jack, can you make it there in time?”

“I don’t think so. We’re getting owned hard here at the Farm.” replies, Jack.

“KK. I’m on my way guys.” says, Rick.

“Good. Because i think I’m gonna need some heals.” says Bob. “Don’t worry, Corn. I got your back.”

Fucking rogues. “Fuck, man!” I scream. “They can see me! At least your stealthed. You can get away! I’m gonna fucking die!” I can see them riding in fast and hard. “INCOMING!!!”

The rogues dismount first, quickly vanishing from sight. The warriors dismount next, and charge. The rest, fan out in different directions, all intent on killing my heroic dwarven hunter.

Fuck it, I think. The ressurection timer is set at 5 seconds.

One of the warriors gets trapped in ice, another one I slow down with a shot to the knees. The third one makes it to me, but is soon incapacitated with a blow to the temple from, Bob who appears out of nowhere.

“Told you, gangsta!” laughs, Bob. “I got your back! HAHAHAHAH!!!!” he cackles aggressivley, distorting his voice through the microphone, while he proceeds to the cut the warrior into little pieces.

I barrage the warrior, slowed down by my shot to the knees, with a string of bullets.

All of a sudden I turn into a sheep.

“Motherufucking mages!!!!” I scream, pounding on my keyboard with my mouse. “Fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuck, Waterboy! Fuck him!”

“Oh shit, Waterboy is here?” Xavier says. “I got a score to settle with his ass.”

“He’s pretty good, no?” asks, Rick. “I saw him one shot, Tweedenfan.”

“The human paladin?” asks Jack.

“Yup.” says, Rick. “It was sad.”

“Here we are fellas!” says Xavier. “Triumphant arrival of the saviors of the Highlands!”

His red robes flapping in the air, lightning crackling through his fingertips. “Hey, Waterboy,” He points a finger at the warlock and turns him into a sheep. Then he turns to face, Waterboy and lets loose a thick, stream of electricity hitting, Waterboy squarely in the chest. “You seen, Mandrake lately?”

Rick, his elven druid character casts a spell on himself changing his naturally lithe form into that of a massive bear. He growls and charges the Legion healers, trying to keep them busy.  

“Naw. I think he needed a break from the game.” replies Waterboy, attempting to find a place to hide. “He was at it, literally, 24/7.”

“Fuck you, Waterboy!” I scream at him. “This sheep shit lasts too fucking long. This is bullshit!”

“Hey, man, it’s our only form of crowd control, Brigg.” retorts, Waterboy. “What else a clothie gonna do?”

“Take it like a man!” says, Bob, apprearing right next to, Waterboy. “How about a couple million daggers to the face?” and proceeds to make a pin cushion out of him.

“Fucking shit…” Whimpers, Waterboy as his character falls down, dead. “Ressurection timer now set to 1 minute…”

“This is fucking bullshit!” I scream. “When he dies, his fucking sheep should wear the fuck off!” I grumble in my room. So close to crushing my mouse with an adrenaline-enhanced grip. “This is fucking bullshit!!!! And why is, Waterboy in our con system?!?!?! He’s Legion!!!!”

“Calm down, bro.” Says, Bob. “We got the Mines. It’s under control. And, Waterboy is cool. I gave him the log-in and the password.”

“Yo, Rick, I think i’m gonna need a heal!” says Xavier. You can see him jumping around trying to avoid the Legion’s hunters bullets, but failing miserably, and losing a lot of life in the process.

“I got your heals.” Says, Rick. And just as fast as, Xaviers health goes down, it goes right back up with a well-timed spell from Ricks druid character, who shifts from bear to elf, back to bear, and mauls one of the Legion healers to death. Rick was one of the best players I’ve ever seen.

A Legion rogue pops out of thin air and begins to slash, Bob to pieces, almost killing him.

“Get this rogue off of me!” says, Bob. “He’s fucking me up!”

“I got your heals, Bob.” And Rick saves another life, shifiting from bear to elf, casts a heal, then shifts back to bear and mauls the other Legion healer to his death.

“God damn, Rick!” Xavier says. “What kind of computer you got? one that reads the future?”

“This is fucking bullshit!” I scream, still wandering aimlessly in the form of a sheep. “I’m still a fucking sheep?!?! How long does this crap last?”

“30 seconds.” Xavier states. “Alright, focus fire on the rest and we’re good to go.”

“Xavier sheep, Poptartking, and we’ll focus fire on, Mikejackson.” Instructs, Rick.

“On it.” Xavier responds quickly. “Poptartking sheeped.”

“Alright, Mikejackson.” says, Bob. “Moonwalk on this!” and he proceeds to lay down some serious hurt.

“Fuck you guys.” says Waterboy. “You’re lucky I’m running with this noob crew. Otherwise we would be steamrolling you guys.”

“Yeah right.” says, Jack. “We played you guys yesterday. We beat you five out of seven games.”

“Hey, Jack.” says, Xavier. “How’s the Farm?”

“Safe. We got reinforcements. They couldn’t take it from us.” Says, Jack. “This’ll be a quick game. How’s Mines?”

“Almost clear.” Says, Rick. “One rogue left.”

“FUCK!!!!” I scream! “Still a fucking sheep?!?!?!”

And, Xavier, Bob, and, Rick kick the last rogues ass. The rest of the Legion attackers turn and run back up the hill. Just as I get out of sheep.

“That is such a bullshit spell! Fuck sheep! Fuck mages! fuck this game! Fucking SHEEYIT!” I can’t take this anymore.

“Damn, bro.” says, Bob. “Calm the fuck down! this is only a game!”

“Fuck, man! how would you like it if you were a fucking sheep the entire fight?” I fire back. “I was supposed to guard the Mines, man! Not sheep fuck fucking the fucking Mines!”

“Wha…?” whispers, Waterboy.

“HAHAHAH!” laughs, Bob. “Man, Corn, you are too much. You need your virgin ass laid!”

“Fuck you, Bob…” I say.

“I don’t know, man.” Bob says. “30 years old, still a virgin. If I were you, I wouldn’t be playing this game. I’d be out on the town trying slap some ass!”

“Fuck you, Bob…” I say.

“Seriously, man. Why do you get so mad at this game? It’s probably because your balls are going to explode!” laughs, Bob. “Just go out and get laid, man. Stop blaming the game.”

“You’re a virgin, Brigg?” asks Waterboy.

“HAHAHAHAAHA!!!” Laughs, Bob. “Yeah he is! Straight up never even kissed a girl. That wasn’t on a DVD he rented, that is. HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Hahahaha!” Laughs Waterboy.

“Shut the fuck up, Waterboy.” I say. “Fuck you, Bob.”

“HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! HAHA! HA!!!!!!”

I log off.

Shit…even in an imaginary world, a video game world, I can’t escape.

I gues that’s why i like playing the hunter. I get to play with myself…

Fuck..

You know what I mean…

Explore posts in the same categories: Normal, California